The Beach Bum
She was so gorgeous on Tinder that I used my daily ‘superlike’ to draw her attention. After all, if those looks were real she’d be begged for dates by half the city so I needed to stand-out and on Tinder. Superlikes is more or less the only way to push the algorithm to your favours I guess.
I thought I was being lucky. Not only because she replied nicely to my messages, also because she suggested to meet and dropped her phone number in the app. I was slightly hung-over on the Saturday, in need of getting out of the house and do something with this awesome weather. Going for a lunch near the beach felt like a brilliant idea.
Her real-life appearance matched her Tinder pictures like her see-through blouse matched the hotpants. I knew from the app that she had a Russian background, she did live up the stereotype. Bonus points for the outer beauty, just wondering whether that would also match with the inner beauty. Luckily I had all afternoon to find that out.
When we were about to enter the Little Jack Homer café that I selected, she had a brief look inside and said: ‘this looks more like a burger place’
‘oh they have great salads and healthy sandwiches too’
‘maybe we can check out Coogee pavilion?’
Insisting at this stage would show-off balls, but also get us into a polite fight within the first few minutes of meeting which would cost me bonus points. So I agreed. I had never been to Coogee Pavilion but assumed they had nice salads – my hunch was that a girl with that beach body would eat salads all day, didn’t all models stick to that diet?
She laughed politely. ‘oh you think I like salads? Yes sometimes. Today I feel like seafood. And look, they have oysters too. Shall we get the Sydney rock oysters or pacific oysters?’
‘oh I wasn’t thinking that we would have…’
‘How about just both?’
‘eh sure, let’s have both then’
I started to regret my ‘avoiding points of conflict-strategy’ and it was about to get worse.
It was the time to feed her fine food and learn more about her supposedly interesting background. She wasn’t a model (which I thought), but I learned about her extensive stays in Mediterranean Europe and the United states, which would have been interesting if it wasn’t for the boyfriends she thought would love her and she thought would keep their promises of starting a future together which were all broken. Her life story started to sound like an episode of ‘days of our lives’ wherein the beautiful innocent girl was lured into too-good-to-be-true stories of horny don-guans. While we enjoyed the delicate, fresh seafood, I learned all about her rotten, cooked relationships.
I tried to change the topic and asked about the university she went to which I remembered from on her profile. I learned that she didn’t graduate there, she was just intending to go to university sometime in the future. Nothing wrong with not having tertiary education, but I started to feel bad for her, staying in this bar tendering job at 25 and not even having started looking at options to enrol. If I were her dad, I would have a bit of a serious chat, but today we were at a date and so I just had the relaxed chat instead:
‘How are the mussels? Like to have another piece of the chargrilled octopussy’?
‘Sure I’ll have a bit more of the squid’.
Puns were not appreciated. When the waiter was taking orders for a second round of matching wines, I was relieved she didn’t order a portion of the caviar to stay in the theme of her background and also the theme of depleting my credit card.
She had the typical smirk girls’ face when the bill came, that ‘I’ll stand here at the side waiting for you while you do the payment’. It’s not that the three-figure bill was unaffordable, but I somehow felt the casual lunch went out of hand and her ordering behaviour was disrespectful for a first date, especially if contribution to the bill is not even offered. She kind of showed off power by this behaviour, knowing she could get away with it date after date. (not for a guy writing an under-cover blog about you, babe, but hey I respect all beings and so I will not disclose your identity).
Sticking to the plan we went to the beach. In our texts before the date (is this called ‘modern-day foreplay’?) I suggested we could go for a ‘lunch and walk, and maybe a swim’ to give keep it optional in case the ‘seeing her in bikini at first date-taboo’ was an issue.
It turned out not to be an issue. For about an hour I had the privilege to show everyone on the beach that I was there with some hot chick. Not that anyone would care, nor that there are no other guys with hot chicks on the beach, but hey it did feel good.
She also didn’t mind applying some sunscreen to my back. She preferred the clinical method of a spray-sunscreen so that any hand-touch was unnecessary. Guess she was prepared. Lying next to her in the sun I occasionally touched my arm against hers, just to test if she’d allow for some physical elements on the date or whether she’d move back.
She moved back. Also the holding hands-trick at the end of the date lasted for like three seconds. Saying goodbye was an air-kiss and there is nothing wrong with that, but I got the message. The date was just to boost her ego and fill her tummy, not to boost love and fill our hearts.
I learned a few things on this date: Never change venues, unless you’re taking accidentally a vegetarian to a steakhouse. Don’t play Russian roulette with your feelings or wallet. And learn how to say ‘no’ during a date sometimes.